Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Paul Blart: Mall Cop



So many trailers nowadays only show the funniest scenes from the movie. You're left thinking, “hey that looks pretty funny, let's check it out.” Only to sit down and watch ninety minutes of drivel surrounding the three funny scenes from the trailer. So, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop another blatant violation of the Trade Descriptions Act?

Of course it is. Why would I have wrote all that if it wasn't?

The trailer sells it as Die Hard with a fat security guard instead of Bruce Willis. Kevin James, who you may remember from 'hit' sitcom King of Queens (It's on Paramount while you're at work), plays loveable loser Paul Blart. Living at home with his Mother and his daughter from a loveless marriage. He's lonely in love and invests all his energy in his job as a Mall Cop. There, that's the title explained.

He does his job with zeal, rallying around the shopping centre on his two wheeled segway, cautioning shoppers for driving shop-mobility carts without a license. Blart would be a real cop if it weren't for his hypoglycaemia faints, so he pretends his security badge is the real thing.

Underneath his officious exterior lies a pained and lonely soul. Working up the courage to ask out checkout girl, Maya (Jayma Mays) he always ends up putting his foot in his mouth. Then, there comes a chance to prove himself.

The Mall is hijacked by a group of unlikely gymnastic terrorists who plan to rip off the credit card machines. Led by the even less likely villain Veck Sims (Keir O'Donnell) they hold several people hostage, including Paul's love interest. This is where it should have went all Die Hard, but ended up with as much action as a constipated bowel.

The first act dragged on for too long, dealing with Blart's love and work issues. By the time the action arrived, I was so bored, I couldn't give less of a fuck who won. They played it out with Blart as the man on the inside talking to the SWAT team outside. One by one he eliminates the fitter, faster, smarter terrorists. Then his daughter turns up and gets kidnapped too.

There's not much more to say about it as the story was as vacuous as the central character. It's very hard to associate with a self-righteous security guard with weight issues.

Verdict 4/10
Unlike the trailer, this wasn't funny.